The other night, my husband and I were in the middle of a serious talk and he said, “I never realized how much of a creator you are.”
I was in the middle of a mini meltdown. To be honest, there have been a lot of mini meltdowns this year. I’ve had too much on my plate, and after awhile it starts wearing me out and I start wearing everyone else out. None of this is surprising, and I’m guessing it’s not uncommon. And when the conversation begins with, “Well, at least you can take it easy this week,” but that’s not true, the wheels fall off things pretty quickly.
I told him about the promise I made to myself late last year, to show up and be seen, to create something and put it out there. I made a commitment to do the work. That’s when he said he didn’t realize what a creator I am. Not how creative I am, but what a creator.
Gee, I never thought about it that way. I’ve always thought of myself as creative, that creating is part of who I am, but not that who I am is a creator. It’s a subtle distinction, but I could feel my perspective shift.
Because, at the end of the day, no matter what’s going on, I’m happiest creating and I’m frustrated when I’m not. It doesn’t really matter if I’m getting paid or if anyone is paying attention to what I’m doing. I need to do it just because I need to do it.
Today when I read these words about how creative personal expression and exploring creativity is essential to life, I totally agreed. It can all seem like a lot of nonsense, but it is essential. I felt so validated, so inspired. I went to the kitchen and started making a table scene like these ones.
I tinkered around for just a few minutes, took a few photos with my big camera and my phone. I made a mess on purpose and I let go of the rules. I just played, just created, just got out of my own way so I could do this essential thing. Because this is what I love to do. It’s what I want to say yes to everyday, and I need to leave space in my life for it, no matter what else I say yes to.
I think you are really smart to figure out some of the things that make you who you are, and identifying your NEEDS, so that you can see that your needs are met. After that, it’s not so hard to meet the needs of others in our lives. Women seem particularly vulnerable to putting others’ needs before their own, and then we find we are unhappy and unfed. I like that you are setting an example for the rest of us to follow. Thank you. Your progress is our progress.
I’m really trying to figure that out — how I can fill my own well so I can take care of those around me. I didn’t want to bring being a mom too much into this, but I know I set the tone for my home and family. If I’m feeling crazy, everyone feels it. If I know how to be more balanced, it helps so much!
I love the distinction you mention between someone who is creative vs. someone who is a creator. Up until this last year, I was “creative”: I would make things or have cool ideas when it was convenient. I wasn’t making progress on any of my goals. I felt flat all the time.
This year, I am a creator. I am not only taking opportunities to create, but I am making opportunities to create. There’s this urgency to do more and make more each day, and I am following where that urging leads. I’m learning that it is exhausting and meltdown inducing, but oh, so rewarding when compared to the alternative of a life spent not creating anything. I think the trick is to take some time for rest, but I’ve not yet discovered the right balance there. 🙂
Hi Abbigail! I love how you’ve framed this — it’s all about commitment. I think of it like turning a wheel. Just keep turning and turning, and see where it leads. The more you turn it, the easier it is. I believe so much in showing up and doing the work. Sounds like you do too!
As for finding rest, I know that’s a bit trickier. I try to take a Sabbath every week and bask in the do-nothing-ness, but it doesn’t always help. However, I have no problem shutting down the computer and putting away the phone when I feel overloaded. I like to take walks outside — they’re always restorative. 🙂