I haven’t written anything in over a week. I was afraid this was going to happen, that I’d declare that I was writing again and not be able to write. I’m afraid I’d have something to say and be too scared to say it. I’m afraid that no one will care. I’m afraid to get into it – the space in my head and heart where my writing comes from – and not be able to get out. And all these fears swirl around and around until I can barely think, let alone write. I keep telling myself to just write and …
personal
Let’s Start Over
I woke up late, I should say early. I rolled over at 3:30 a.m., glanced at the clock, and thought, ‘I still have about three more hours to sleep.’ Then I laid there, listening to my breath, trying to put off thoughts about what I forgot to do yesterday: take library books back, post on Instagram, send a birthday card. My husband got up for work at 4 o’clock, and I spread out in the bed, hoping to find a bit of comfort so I could lull myself back to sleep. I kept hearing noises – tiptoeing, …
Trying and Failing
A little voice wakes me at 5:45 a.m.: “Mom, can I lay with you?” He doesn’t know what time it is and neither do I. I pull back the sheet and he climbs up, tucks his head into my chest and sucks his thumb. I peek at the clock, then smell his head. Some mornings, I wake this early on my own, but today this feels especially dark and early. He whispers: “Will you put me in my bed?” We both climb out and I take his hand. It’s dark and we try to walk side-by-side down the stairs, but I have to go …
Burning the Granola
It's been years since I last burned the granola. Three homes and one kid ago, five states away. We rented a little bungalow in midtown – two bedrooms, a little more than a thousand square feet – where my daughter took her first steps, and my husband and I walked the neighborhood most days hatching a plan to move back north. I was struggling with motherhood, having left a full-time job I didn't love to teach part-time and stay home with my new baby. Like many new moms, I felt like I lost my …
Writing from the Heart
I have sat down to write this post several times over the last few days. The refrain playing through my head is, write from the heart. I’m not sure I even know what that means right now. Write from the heart. How? I keep telling myself to be fearless. Just go ahead and be fearless already. Write what you have to write and keep moving along. But what I have to write, what I have to say, feels like a muddy mess in my heart. Everything in there is jumbled and well-intentioned and feels overgrown …