I picked up the memoir Julie & Julia sometime in my first year of marriage. I remember sitting on the cranberry couch that faced the French doors that swung out from the living room of our first apartment. I held the book to my face and watched the trees on the other side of those doors sway. We hadn’t lived there long, only a few months, but my husband Adam and I were more than a thousand miles from home. One of the first things I did was get a library card. Then I read. A lot. I …
writing
Being Okay with Knowing Nothing
I have been reading Bret Lott’s Before We Get Started, his memoir on writing. In it, he hits home on one central idea: that he knows nothing. Nothing. What he has is years of writing experience where he figured out that he has to let his stories be what they are, to get out of the way so the story can reveal itself. He emphasizes paying attention, but ultimately to humble yourself to knowing what he knows, what you know, is nothing. It's an idea that I’m more and more willing to accept – that …
When You Bring Things Out into the Light
I haven’t written anything in over a week. I was afraid this was going to happen, that I’d declare that I was writing again and not be able to write. I’m afraid I’d have something to say and be too scared to say it. I’m afraid that no one will care. I’m afraid to get into it – the space in my head and heart where my writing comes from – and not be able to get out. And all these fears swirl around and around until I can barely think, let alone write. I keep telling myself to just write and …
Trying and Failing
A little voice wakes me at 5:45 a.m.: “Mom, can I lay with you?” He doesn’t know what time it is and neither do I. I pull back the sheet and he climbs up, tucks his head into my chest and sucks his thumb. I peek at the clock, then smell his head. Some mornings, I wake this early on my own, but today this feels especially dark and early. He whispers: “Will you put me in my bed?” We both climb out and I take his hand. It’s dark and we try to walk side-by-side down the stairs, but I have to go …